PORT ST. LUCIE, FLORIDA – The New York Mets today announced plans with the city of New Smyma Beach, Florida, to build a new $150-million-dollar spring training facility to be completed and ready for the 2009 season. The contract, signed at the Mets’ current home of Port St. Lucie, gave Mets owner Fred Wilpon a vicious papercut that is expected to leave him day-to-day. Doctors have advised that he use his cell phone with his off-hand until the injury fully recovers.

This announcement came on the heels of an injury-plagued training camp that has involved Moises Alou, Orlando Hernandez, Carlos Delgado, Ruben Gotay, Brian Schneider, Marlon Anderson, Ryan Church, Jose Reyes, and several batboys all seeing time in the trainer’s room.

“It’s tough to leave a city that has hosted us for so long,” explained Mets manager Willie Randolph whilst battling off two ghost pirates with a baseball bat, “but we all feel the move will be beneficial.”

Those that have not been affected physically have been injured psychologically. Johan Santana, for instance, gave up a home run to Juan Gonzalez.

“I didn’t think he was real,” Santana said to reporters, “We’d been having those ghost problems, so I called up some old friends of mine who used to solve mysteries, and they told me that 99% of all ghosts are just caused by light effects or projectors. I figured Juan Gonzalez had to be a fake; I mean, I didn’t know he was still alive! So I just lobbed a pitch in there. It’s the most traumatic thing I’ve ever had to deal with.” The two-time Cy Young winner then broke down into tears.

The Volusia County board approved funds for the Mets to build their facility over Turtle Mound, a site that has been a landmark for sailors since the 1400’s. It is also known to be an American Indian burial ground, and several employees of the site’s tourist attraction have been chased off with mysterious diseases or mental conditions. Still, the Mets insisted that it would make a fine site.

“I’m not worried about it,” David Wright shouted as he swung on a vine across a deep fissure that had formed spontaneously in front of third base, just in time to scoop a baseball before it could bounce into the magma below. “As long as everyone is ready for the season, that’s the important thing. I’ll be glad that we don’t have to make up magma ground rules anymore.”

Scott Schoeneweis seemed the most unfazed. “My Giak horde will be gathering soon, and then we shall march and feast on Magnamund flesh! Fools! It is too late to stop the process now!” He then laughed maniacally and dissipated in a cloud of smoke.